I know as a homeschool mother I often find myself not wanting to be “transparent” with others out of fear.  Fear that someone might actually think I don’t have it all together, all the time.  Fear that someone may pass judgment on that fact that I have chosen to homeschool, if I don’t act that everything is great.  And lately, fear that I’m complaining.

 In light of my recent blog entries about being content, I feel it’s important for me to talk a bit about being open with one another.  There is a “fine line” to walk between complaining and being “real” with one another.  As I’ve embarked upon my new journey of experiencing contentment, I’ve found that finding this “fine line” has challenged me.  It’s new territory.  The last thing I want to be found guilty of anymore is being discontent.

 However, I think the Lord is beginning to make this line more visible to me.

 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. – James 5:16

 In James 5:16 we find that we are supposed to confess our sins to each other and pray.  But I couldn’t find one verse that says we should grumble about our unfair circumstances to each other.  I think therein lies the difference.  Confessing, being real, that oops I messed up today by doing this, but now I’m going to start over, isn’t complaining or being discontent.  Of course some of our oopsies can be brought on by our circumstances, but the focus is on our accountability.  This works very well for me.

 The times that I’ve come “clean” with a good friend, I feel amazing healing, verse 16 talks about as well.  I am blessed to have friends and family that I can be transparent with and feel no judgment.  However the times I’ve complained and grumbled to someone about my unfair circumstances, I’ve always felt no better if not worse about my situation.

 Beginning Again,

Melissa

- John 16:13

 Admist this chaos, I began to hear His voice…”Believe Me, Believe Me, Trust Me, Trust Me.”  The answers started slowly coming through the Truth instead of lies.  It was as if I had started to take off the dark sunglasses which blinded me, and began to put on the rose-colored ones that showed me how beautiful life could be.  Suddenly everything began to look different, like I had never seen it before.  I began to notice the simpliest things in a new way.  Such as a butterfly fluttering about calling out God’s glory.  It was a matter of perspective, like a way of seeing things.  It wasn’t about my situation, it was about how I was looking at it.

 “When you welcome God’s companionship in the darkest hours of your life, when you keep on walking by faith on the darker parts of the path, you are gifted with moments of wonderful elation — as if you are joining with heaven in a celebration that is a tiny shadow of what it will be like when we get home.

-Sheila Walsh

He taught me through the Word and through others a new way of thinking and seeing, through His eyes.  These things did not happen overnight, it of course was a process of revelation that happened nearly every day and still is.  Through His way of thinking, He not only enabled me to shed myself of anxiety and depression, but also to shed myself of 35 pounds of weight, which had never before been obtainable; fixing health problems which had previously served to tighten the chains further.

I learned how to begin replacing all the negative thoughts with positive ones.  And how to push through, holding onto the Truth even when I wasn’t “feeling” it.  You see, listening to the Voice of Truth is being able to hear it above all the other voices life is feeding to you.  I realized that I always heard His voice before, I just didn’t claim it and fully believe it, rising above the voices of the earth.

Lord, I cannot do this!

     …You can do all things through Me

Lord, why did you call me to do this

     …Because your weakness will be perfected through Me

Lord, I just feel irritable today

     …This is the day I have made, be glad and rejoice in it

Lord, I am such a failure

     …Impossible, you are made in My Image

Lord, I’m weary of fighting sin

     …I am greater than he who is within this world

Lord, why have you left me

     …I am with you always, I have loved you always

I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, and hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.

-Psalm 40:1-3

“You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.”

- Psalm 119:114

This message that I’m sharing is so much bigger than this blog can hold! 

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.  For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

- 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Life isn’t perfect now, we do live in a fallen world.  Every day I rise and put on my Belt of Truth.  If I forget, I am gently reminded of the broken chains.  But, I am now reaching forward going for the goal that Christ has called me to.  To begin living with contentment and joy only found through Him.

“If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.  Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

- John 8:31

Praise God for His awesome Truth, for the Truth has set me free.

Imagine if you will, a woman standing across the room.  You turn and look around and can’t help but take notice that this room is the most beautiful room you’ve ever been in.  It’s not expensively decorated or garnished with lavish things.  It’s a simple room that seems to radiate happiness and joy all around, as if it fills the very air you breathe.  Turning slowly, you fix your eyes back upon the woman across the room.  You notice that she too is radiating this different beauty; it’s almost as if she is glowing.  Her smile is soothing, inviting and joy-filled.  You feel instantly the urge to approach her and know her.  As you come across the room, you notice written in beautiful letters upon the wall above her:  Truth and Contentment Lives Here, please join us.

That’s why I would love to share some of the things that have helped me on a daily basis to learn how to deal with and diffuse stress.  I believe we have all experienced stress with homeschooling, right?!  If you’re like me, it’s on a daily basis.  And how I’ve learned to handle the onset of it, has made the difference between joy versus no joy in my homeschool.

1. DAILY RENEWAL

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” – Psalm 51:10

“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” – Isaiah 41:2

When we are seeking contentment in our lives – seeking to be changed into women who glorify God – we turn to the Word of God to find the way. – Luci Swindoll

The first and most important thing we need to remember is to “renew” our minds through God’s Word daily.  Since I have begun the daily repetitive study of God’s Word, there’s simply no comparison to the days I’m not.  There have been a few days I’ve rushed into “life” forgetting to stop and take that all important time, and within a few hours I can see a difference in how I’m handling things.  BUT, please do not make the same mistake I made in the beginning in thinking you are failing because you don’t get Bible study in every single day.   I have an “all or none” type of personality, which can be a real blessing, but I had to learn to keep reality and MERCY in focus in this “season” of my life.

2.  JUST BREATHE

I also know that no matter how much we renew our minds, it’s not going to stop the homeschooling life from challenging us!  But, it will certainly help me stay focused on the “higher” goal.  So, in that moment when you feel your heart racing…you know when your 1 1/2 year old, while you’re distracted teaching your 8 year old, decides to paint the town red on your brand new painted walls…the first matter of importance to me is to “just breathe.”   I know you’re thinking, “I do that all the time Melissa!”  What I mean is don’t just breathe, breathe deeply.  I’ve learned to stop in my tracks and breathe deeply in through my nose for a couple seconds, and out through my mouth for about 4 seconds.  I do this a few times until I feel the stress begin to diffuse.  Trust me, it really works!!!  And then I tell myself “It’s ok, this too shall pass.”  Once I do this, I’m always able to deal more calmly and appropriately with what’s going on.

3.  TALK THE TRUTH TALK

When it just seems you are being battered left and right, and you begin to slowly feel the downward progression of your strength and mood, try some positive Truth talk.  Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be verbal, it can be inward talk, but if you choose to be verbal you’ll get some strange and entertaining looks from your kids!  This positive talk for me is reminding myself of the Truths that God has shown in my life.  When I’m feeling down I seem to start forgeting these Truths and need reminding. I listed some of them in Part 4 of my “Listening to the Voice of Truth” blogs.  Even if it feels “fake”, speak the Truth to yourself.  The world has taught us to “listen to our feelings”, that’ll tell you what to do… I beg to differ!  Unfortunately satan can use those feelings to lie to us, he used my feelings to chain and bound me.  It’s imperative we mediate upon God’s Truth and hold everything up to it!

4.  REMEMBER GOD’S GRACE AND MERCY

“Begin again.”  This has been a very important phrase for me.  Precious homeschool mothers, remember God’s grace and mercy is sufficient for us every day!  In the past when I would “mess up”, I’d spiral out of control with negative talk to myself, and quickly end up in the gutter.  Now I fully accept that I’m not perfect, and I begin again, keeping my eyes on the goal.

These are some of the most important things that have helped me through stressful and anxiety-filled days.  I hope that they may be of help to you.  God’s blessings to you and your homeschool.

Then, as always, I turned to my “life situations” again for blame, you know the ones we “didn’t” talk about in the last blog.  “This surely wasn’t my fault, I’ve just been given too much for one person to handle,” I complained.  But something slowly was beginning to become obvious to me…perhaps, just perhaps, the problem lies within me.  Groundbreaking thought.  So, instead of praying my usual prayer asking God to help me with my problems, I fell upon my knees, with chains still attached and I prayed a life-changing prayer, “Lord, please grant me Your wisdom, and open my eyes to see the Truth.”

 The first thing He taught me…”No, you will never be the same again Melissa, you will be BETTER.”

Stay Tuned…

The details of how I got to where I was, aren’t really all that necessary to talk about.  I mean we all have our difficult situations to deal with, right?  Have you ever been on that bus?  You know the one labeled “My situation is worse than yours.”  I have.  Sure, I used to give all kinds of reasons, both physical and emotional, for being on that wall.

There’s a saying I’ve just recently learned…”Don’t compete, don’t complain, don’t compare.”  As you probably know, I could quote numerous Bible verses to back that one up.  I used to think “If I only talk (complain) this out enough, I’ll figure out how to make it better.”  I’m learning that complaining about my problems only served to tighten the chains:  “Why did God call ME to homeschool?, Why did He give me these hardships?, Why aren’t there more blessings and less difficulty?, Why did He do this and that?, This isn’t supposed to be this hard!” Tighter and tighter the wrench was turning around the chains.

I believe the main reason for ending up on that cold wall, chained and bound, could be summed up in one huge problem…LACK OF CONTENTMENT.  Plain lack of contentment with what God had given me in life.  It seems that we are born with a tendency to just be compainers and be discontented.  Do you agree?  It seems we learn to complain before we even learn to talk.  Just spend an hour with an one year old if you doubt me!

So, in my past, I had completely perfected feeling sorry for myself.  Negative thinkers like me aren’t necessarily obvious to most people, I didn’t walk around with a scowl on my face all the time, only thinking of myself, and always complaining out loud.  In other words, lots of people, even some close to me, had no idea how downhearted I was.  My husband and children were definitely the exception.

And after so many years of feeling discontented and thinking negative about my circumstances, my body began to actually believe there was something terribly wrong with me.  Don’t ever underestimate the mind-body connection.  “As a man thinketh, he is.”  Towards the end of 2005, my body began to react to the stress and anxiety in a very painful way.  I began having panic attacks and fell into deep depression.  Heart racing, palpitations, dizziness, numb limbs, loss of concentration, feeling completely out of control, nausea and extreme fatigue were just a few of the demons torturing me.  Yep, I was that poor woman chained up in that room, giving up all hope that I would ever be the same again.

Did I mention that during all this we were smack in the middle of an adoption process that God had, a year prior, clearly called us to?

Stay Tuned…..

Originally posted on July 31, 2007

In the last two years I can claim that I’ve had the worst time of my life AND the best.  My loving Lord brought me through the dry desperate desert and when I had just about given up, He lovingly picked me up and lead me to the entrance of the promised land.  Have my circumstances changed?  Nope.  Have I changed?  YES!

I have a testimony to share.  One that glorifies God’s amazing Truth and how it set this captive free.  Over the last several months I have sat and savored in God’s deliverance, and shared only small pieces of where I came from, with those closest around me.  But now, in hopes that I may be an encouragement to other homeschool moms, I’d like to journal about my new-found freedom in Christ.  So, I shall begin…

Imagine if you will, a silhouette of a woman standing across the room.  It’s a dark, dreadful, damp room that feels cold and lonely.  There are dark stone walls surrounding you, and as you begin to walk they feel as if they are closing in.  As you slowly move closer, you notice two thick chains bolted to the wall, extending and reaching down around the woman’s wrists.  It is clear now that she is in captivity.  Stopping for a moment, fear grips you, and you wonder if you should move on.  “But what if she needs help?”, you ask yourself.  So you step forward again, but more slowly now.  As you come nearer, you observe that she is staring at the ground, the way one looks down as if they feel hopelessness.   And then, all in a moment, as if it becomes illuminated, you notice letters engraved on the stone wall above her.  As you squint your eyes, you read the words… “Anxiety and Depression Lives Here.”