As I was sitting for a few moments mesmerized by watching the birds at the feeders, thoughts were racing through my mind. I intently watched as the birds flocked energetically to eat up the rich nutrients offered in the seed and suet. They are so hungry this time of year, you can tell in the way they look when they are feeding during the summer compared to now. I’ve been thinking about how amazing it is that some birds choose to let go and leave for the cold winter months, and some decide to “go with the flow” and tough it out. Those who stick around know things are changing around them and they know it’s going to get more challenging, they choose to puff out their fluffy feathers and bear it, never giving up their home. But honestly, I can’t blame those to choose to fly southward either. I wondered for a moment if I would “judge” either for making the wrong choice. Should they stay or go? Well, they are just doing as their Creator has programmed them, for them there’s no choice.

However for us, our lives are full of choices. Do you ever wish the Lord would just program you to do His will so you could always make the right choice?  I sure do. Alas we are given the privilege of being different from the animals, we are special, we have choices. While being programmed to make the right choices all the time may seem desirable, being special, having a closer relationship with my Creator is the most desired of all. We as human beings have been given the ability to feel and love deeply, created in His image, and given a choice, for He loves us that much.

We are told to not judge (Luke 6:37-42), yet we as human beings tend to be very quick to do so to one another. I have been a great fault with this. However, I’ve learned in recent years to reel my tongue and thoughts in on all matters. I’ve learned that I don’t have all the answers and just because I choose to do it, doesn’t mean that everyone should. I’ve learned that while my choice to homeschool seemed for years to me to be the only one, I’ve learned that it is a “calling” and not everyone is called to do it. And that’s ok.

As mothers we all desire the best for our children. We want them all to succeed and thrive and be protected from evil. I’ve always tried my best to do this for my children. But I have one child who God has called me constantly to “let go of” and hand over to Him. I’ve held on for dear life, believing that I was to fight and not give up, and truly felt I was doing right in that, until recently. The Lord has opened up my eyes and has shown me how truly different children can be and that sometimes, just sometimes, maybe holding on and fighting isn’t the best thing. Maybe true strength and love is knowing when to let go and let God. For all my children are God’s children first, and each one needs to thrive in the way God has designed them. And this may not necessarily be in the way their parents see fit. I’ve often wondered how parents could choose to homeschool only some of their children and send others to another school. However, I am now joining those ranks. Our son will be starting at a Christian private school on January 4th, and while my heart breaks, I know this is being obedient to God. I am continuing to homeschool my daughters because this works wonderfully for them, however we believe private school will work wonderfully for our son. A good friend reminded me of the story of Hannah and Samuel (1 Samuel 1), and this has brought great peace to our choice.

Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. - Psalm 9:10

To trust means to give all authority and control over, to relinquish rights to steer the ship, admit that I’m ok with not being in control of what happens next and allowing God full rights to the outcome. Why does this make me nervous? If I fully follow my Lord, why do I struggle with this? I must believe that I can do better, keep accidents and mishaps from happening. But I know the truth, I can’t, I’ve proven that well enough. And to make matters more difficult, this includes trusting Him with our children. I don’t mind as much allowing control go of my life, but I’m willing to hand my own life over in exchange to save my children. But sometimes God says, “trust” and allow me to steer their lives too.

So, on every new turn in the path that gets laid down before me I must learn to let go and trust in His plan and not lean on my own understanding. There is a plan, and His plan is better than mine.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. – Proverbs 16:9

I mentioned in a previous post that I was in a process of a change in my life, in the process of a new beginning.  If you’ve been reading my blog for long you may remember the posts I wrote long ago entitled Listening to the Voice of Truth (the four-part series of blog entries are on pages 9 and 10 of my blog).  For the last several months I have ashamedly been personally struggling once again to hear that Voice.  You see, when I wrote those entries, I may have failed to listen to emphasizing that learning to listen to Truth is a daily battle; just when I think I’ve got it down pat, satan lurks around like a lion waiting for the perfect opporutnity to invade your very thoughts once again.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour ~ 1 Peter 5:8

Somewhere in the past months, he did just that, invaded my thoughts once again.  I won’t go into all the details of the lies that I started to consume; but they lead me down a dark path, a path of bad choices and old negative thinking habits, and landed me drowning in a well of negativity filled with self condemnation, and the belief that I was no longer worth God’s time.  Gees, you’d think I would have learned by now!  But like I said, daily battle…daily battle.

As a homeschooling mother I have done great things for my children, but I also mess up daily, and somewhere along the lines my perfectionist personality started to believe that God had finally had enough of my messing up and had abandoned me.  The truth was that in my wrong turn on the path of lies, it was me that had inadvertantly turned from Him.  Once again, I cried out to the Lord like a child in the dark.

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” ~ James 4:10

Before long, I opened my devotional book and turned the next page to find this Scripture:

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.” ~ Romans 8:1-4

Hmmm, there’s no condemnation for me?  Wait, that’s what Christ did for me already, He paid for all my messing up long ago, it’s done.  He paid for my messing up yesterday, today, and all my tomorrows.  I’m set free, so what am I doing back in these chains!?  I’m going to mess up, He knew that, but so long as I’m seeking and am in Christ Jesus, my sinful nature is history!  I don’t have to let it bound me and condemn me, I am being made “new” by Him every second.

I am challenged every day, all day, to make right choices when teaching and interacting with my children.  Yes, sometimes I’ll mess up, even daily, but I will move on and continue to grow in Him.  I will try to never again underestimate satan’s relentlessness; his constant desire to cloud and confuse my thoughts.  But even more importantly, I will never underestimate God’s power to forgive.

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one.  Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.  – Deuteronomy 6:4-9

Since I’ve stopped to take the time to listen to my children and teach them at every possible natural opportunity, I’m simply in awe of how many opportunities the Lord has given me to talk about Him to them.  Wow!  The Lord truly touched our hearts today so much.  We had an awesome “God Moment”.   This morning Alex and I sat and read through a book called Who Likes the Snow? by Etta Kaner.

This was an absolutely awesome book for teaching just about everything you’d want to know about snow and the science behind it all.  It was very educational and at the same time fun to read.  Each page included a question about snow such as “I wonder why snow is white?” and then you’d lift the flap to read the answer.  The answer for this question in particular was of course that the crystals act as tiny mirrors and reflect white light.  Well this lead us to discussing about rainbows and God’s awesome creation and how beautiful the light is that gets reflected from the water droplets in a rainbow.  And we listed all the colors in the rainbow and discussed how could anyone not believe there was a God.  And Alex commented on how long it had been since we’d seen a rainbow.

Well, wouldn’t you know it…two hours later the sun peaked for only about 5 minutes after raining and I heard Alex yelling “Rainbow Mom!”  We all ran out the front door to a perfect view of a beautiful rainbow!  I grabbed my camera as quickly as I could.

I will never forget the look on Alex and Hannah’s face!  I said “God put that there for us today!”  We all felt as if God had purposefully reached down and touched our lives today.  It was also a sign for me that our homeschooling is heading in the right direction at last!

Here is a list of what we did (for fun) today:

Alex -

• Read the book to Mom “Who Likes the Snow?” – Had lot of great snow and science discussions and discussed God’s intricate designs and beauty in nature
• Played with Gabby under an umbrella on the deck in the spring-like rain
• He went online to WeatherBug and pretended to be a weather man and used Mom as the audience (he amazes me with how acurately he portrays them!).  I used this time to teach about wind chill factor vs. actual temperature, had a great geography lesson using one of the weather maps, and discussed directions (sw, nw, se, sw)

Both Kids -

• Played a game of “Life” with Mom.  Alex was the banker for part of it
• Exercised with Mom.  We discussed the health benefits of exercise to the body
• Dad is getting ready to read a chapter from “The Spiderwick Chronicles” Book 1 to them

Hannah -

• Gave Gabby bath, and got her ready for the day
• Taught Gabby using blocks and read book to her
• Read Chapter 2 of “Jedi Quest”
• Did Saxon Math 6/5 Lesson #63 Mental Math and Lesson Practice Only
• Read Bible Devotion, looked up verses, and had great discussion with Mom
• Played on keyboard making up her own music for 45 minutes
• Cooked dinner for family – Beef Stir Fry with Rice – Mom helped very little
• Did Blog entry about fixing dinner

I know as a homeschool mother I often find myself not wanting to be “transparent” with others out of fear.  Fear that someone might actually think I don’t have it all together, all the time.  Fear that someone may pass judgment on that fact that I have chosen to homeschool, if I don’t act that everything is great.  And lately, fear that I’m complaining.

 In light of my recent blog entries about being content, I feel it’s important for me to talk a bit about being open with one another.  There is a “fine line” to walk between complaining and being “real” with one another.  As I’ve embarked upon my new journey of experiencing contentment, I’ve found that finding this “fine line” has challenged me.  It’s new territory.  The last thing I want to be found guilty of anymore is being discontent.

 However, I think the Lord is beginning to make this line more visible to me.

 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. – James 5:16

 In James 5:16 we find that we are supposed to confess our sins to each other and pray.  But I couldn’t find one verse that says we should grumble about our unfair circumstances to each other.  I think therein lies the difference.  Confessing, being real, that oops I messed up today by doing this, but now I’m going to start over, isn’t complaining or being discontent.  Of course some of our oopsies can be brought on by our circumstances, but the focus is on our accountability.  This works very well for me.

 The times that I’ve come “clean” with a good friend, I feel amazing healing, verse 16 talks about as well.  I am blessed to have friends and family that I can be transparent with and feel no judgment.  However the times I’ve complained and grumbled to someone about my unfair circumstances, I’ve always felt no better if not worse about my situation.

 Beginning Again,

Melissa

- John 16:13

 Admist this chaos, I began to hear His voice…”Believe Me, Believe Me, Trust Me, Trust Me.”  The answers started slowly coming through the Truth instead of lies.  It was as if I had started to take off the dark sunglasses which blinded me, and began to put on the rose-colored ones that showed me how beautiful life could be.  Suddenly everything began to look different, like I had never seen it before.  I began to notice the simpliest things in a new way.  Such as a butterfly fluttering about calling out God’s glory.  It was a matter of perspective, like a way of seeing things.  It wasn’t about my situation, it was about how I was looking at it.

 “When you welcome God’s companionship in the darkest hours of your life, when you keep on walking by faith on the darker parts of the path, you are gifted with moments of wonderful elation — as if you are joining with heaven in a celebration that is a tiny shadow of what it will be like when we get home.

-Sheila Walsh

He taught me through the Word and through others a new way of thinking and seeing, through His eyes.  These things did not happen overnight, it of course was a process of revelation that happened nearly every day and still is.  Through His way of thinking, He not only enabled me to shed myself of anxiety and depression, but also to shed myself of 35 pounds of weight, which had never before been obtainable; fixing health problems which had previously served to tighten the chains further.

I learned how to begin replacing all the negative thoughts with positive ones.  And how to push through, holding onto the Truth even when I wasn’t “feeling” it.  You see, listening to the Voice of Truth is being able to hear it above all the other voices life is feeding to you.  I realized that I always heard His voice before, I just didn’t claim it and fully believe it, rising above the voices of the earth.

Lord, I cannot do this!

     …You can do all things through Me

Lord, why did you call me to do this

     …Because your weakness will be perfected through Me

Lord, I just feel irritable today

     …This is the day I have made, be glad and rejoice in it

Lord, I am such a failure

     …Impossible, you are made in My Image

Lord, I’m weary of fighting sin

     …I am greater than he who is within this world

Lord, why have you left me

     …I am with you always, I have loved you always

I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, and hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.

-Psalm 40:1-3

“You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.”

- Psalm 119:114

This message that I’m sharing is so much bigger than this blog can hold! 

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.  For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

- 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Life isn’t perfect now, we do live in a fallen world.  Every day I rise and put on my Belt of Truth.  If I forget, I am gently reminded of the broken chains.  But, I am now reaching forward going for the goal that Christ has called me to.  To begin living with contentment and joy only found through Him.

“If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.  Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

- John 8:31

Praise God for His awesome Truth, for the Truth has set me free.

Imagine if you will, a woman standing across the room.  You turn and look around and can’t help but take notice that this room is the most beautiful room you’ve ever been in.  It’s not expensively decorated or garnished with lavish things.  It’s a simple room that seems to radiate happiness and joy all around, as if it fills the very air you breathe.  Turning slowly, you fix your eyes back upon the woman across the room.  You notice that she too is radiating this different beauty; it’s almost as if she is glowing.  Her smile is soothing, inviting and joy-filled.  You feel instantly the urge to approach her and know her.  As you come across the room, you notice written in beautiful letters upon the wall above her:  Truth and Contentment Lives Here, please join us.

That’s why I would love to share some of the things that have helped me on a daily basis to learn how to deal with and diffuse stress.  I believe we have all experienced stress with homeschooling, right?!  If you’re like me, it’s on a daily basis.  And how I’ve learned to handle the onset of it, has made the difference between joy versus no joy in my homeschool.

1. DAILY RENEWAL

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” – Psalm 51:10

“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” – Isaiah 41:2

When we are seeking contentment in our lives – seeking to be changed into women who glorify God – we turn to the Word of God to find the way. – Luci Swindoll

The first and most important thing we need to remember is to “renew” our minds through God’s Word daily.  Since I have begun the daily repetitive study of God’s Word, there’s simply no comparison to the days I’m not.  There have been a few days I’ve rushed into “life” forgetting to stop and take that all important time, and within a few hours I can see a difference in how I’m handling things.  BUT, please do not make the same mistake I made in the beginning in thinking you are failing because you don’t get Bible study in every single day.   I have an “all or none” type of personality, which can be a real blessing, but I had to learn to keep reality and MERCY in focus in this “season” of my life.

2.  JUST BREATHE

I also know that no matter how much we renew our minds, it’s not going to stop the homeschooling life from challenging us!  But, it will certainly help me stay focused on the “higher” goal.  So, in that moment when you feel your heart racing…you know when your 1 1/2 year old, while you’re distracted teaching your 8 year old, decides to paint the town red on your brand new painted walls…the first matter of importance to me is to “just breathe.”   I know you’re thinking, “I do that all the time Melissa!”  What I mean is don’t just breathe, breathe deeply.  I’ve learned to stop in my tracks and breathe deeply in through my nose for a couple seconds, and out through my mouth for about 4 seconds.  I do this a few times until I feel the stress begin to diffuse.  Trust me, it really works!!!  And then I tell myself “It’s ok, this too shall pass.”  Once I do this, I’m always able to deal more calmly and appropriately with what’s going on.

3.  TALK THE TRUTH TALK

When it just seems you are being battered left and right, and you begin to slowly feel the downward progression of your strength and mood, try some positive Truth talk.  Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be verbal, it can be inward talk, but if you choose to be verbal you’ll get some strange and entertaining looks from your kids!  This positive talk for me is reminding myself of the Truths that God has shown in my life.  When I’m feeling down I seem to start forgeting these Truths and need reminding. I listed some of them in Part 4 of my “Listening to the Voice of Truth” blogs.  Even if it feels “fake”, speak the Truth to yourself.  The world has taught us to “listen to our feelings”, that’ll tell you what to do… I beg to differ!  Unfortunately satan can use those feelings to lie to us, he used my feelings to chain and bound me.  It’s imperative we mediate upon God’s Truth and hold everything up to it!

4.  REMEMBER GOD’S GRACE AND MERCY

“Begin again.”  This has been a very important phrase for me.  Precious homeschool mothers, remember God’s grace and mercy is sufficient for us every day!  In the past when I would “mess up”, I’d spiral out of control with negative talk to myself, and quickly end up in the gutter.  Now I fully accept that I’m not perfect, and I begin again, keeping my eyes on the goal.

These are some of the most important things that have helped me through stressful and anxiety-filled days.  I hope that they may be of help to you.  God’s blessings to you and your homeschool.

Then, as always, I turned to my “life situations” again for blame, you know the ones we “didn’t” talk about in the last blog.  “This surely wasn’t my fault, I’ve just been given too much for one person to handle,” I complained.  But something slowly was beginning to become obvious to me…perhaps, just perhaps, the problem lies within me.  Groundbreaking thought.  So, instead of praying my usual prayer asking God to help me with my problems, I fell upon my knees, with chains still attached and I prayed a life-changing prayer, “Lord, please grant me Your wisdom, and open my eyes to see the Truth.”

 The first thing He taught me…”No, you will never be the same again Melissa, you will be BETTER.”

Stay Tuned…

The details of how I got to where I was, aren’t really all that necessary to talk about.  I mean we all have our difficult situations to deal with, right?  Have you ever been on that bus?  You know the one labeled “My situation is worse than yours.”  I have.  Sure, I used to give all kinds of reasons, both physical and emotional, for being on that wall.

There’s a saying I’ve just recently learned…”Don’t compete, don’t complain, don’t compare.”  As you probably know, I could quote numerous Bible verses to back that one up.  I used to think “If I only talk (complain) this out enough, I’ll figure out how to make it better.”  I’m learning that complaining about my problems only served to tighten the chains:  “Why did God call ME to homeschool?, Why did He give me these hardships?, Why aren’t there more blessings and less difficulty?, Why did He do this and that?, This isn’t supposed to be this hard!” Tighter and tighter the wrench was turning around the chains.

I believe the main reason for ending up on that cold wall, chained and bound, could be summed up in one huge problem…LACK OF CONTENTMENT.  Plain lack of contentment with what God had given me in life.  It seems that we are born with a tendency to just be compainers and be discontented.  Do you agree?  It seems we learn to complain before we even learn to talk.  Just spend an hour with an one year old if you doubt me!

So, in my past, I had completely perfected feeling sorry for myself.  Negative thinkers like me aren’t necessarily obvious to most people, I didn’t walk around with a scowl on my face all the time, only thinking of myself, and always complaining out loud.  In other words, lots of people, even some close to me, had no idea how downhearted I was.  My husband and children were definitely the exception.

And after so many years of feeling discontented and thinking negative about my circumstances, my body began to actually believe there was something terribly wrong with me.  Don’t ever underestimate the mind-body connection.  “As a man thinketh, he is.”  Towards the end of 2005, my body began to react to the stress and anxiety in a very painful way.  I began having panic attacks and fell into deep depression.  Heart racing, palpitations, dizziness, numb limbs, loss of concentration, feeling completely out of control, nausea and extreme fatigue were just a few of the demons torturing me.  Yep, I was that poor woman chained up in that room, giving up all hope that I would ever be the same again.

Did I mention that during all this we were smack in the middle of an adoption process that God had, a year prior, clearly called us to?

Stay Tuned…..

Originally posted on July 31, 2007

In the last two years I can claim that I’ve had the worst time of my life AND the best.  My loving Lord brought me through the dry desperate desert and when I had just about given up, He lovingly picked me up and lead me to the entrance of the promised land.  Have my circumstances changed?  Nope.  Have I changed?  YES!

I have a testimony to share.  One that glorifies God’s amazing Truth and how it set this captive free.  Over the last several months I have sat and savored in God’s deliverance, and shared only small pieces of where I came from, with those closest around me.  But now, in hopes that I may be an encouragement to other homeschool moms, I’d like to journal about my new-found freedom in Christ.  So, I shall begin…

Imagine if you will, a silhouette of a woman standing across the room.  It’s a dark, dreadful, damp room that feels cold and lonely.  There are dark stone walls surrounding you, and as you begin to walk they feel as if they are closing in.  As you slowly move closer, you notice two thick chains bolted to the wall, extending and reaching down around the woman’s wrists.  It is clear now that she is in captivity.  Stopping for a moment, fear grips you, and you wonder if you should move on.  “But what if she needs help?”, you ask yourself.  So you step forward again, but more slowly now.  As you come nearer, you observe that she is staring at the ground, the way one looks down as if they feel hopelessness.   And then, all in a moment, as if it becomes illuminated, you notice letters engraved on the stone wall above her.  As you squint your eyes, you read the words… “Anxiety and Depression Lives Here.”